Now that I’m 5+ weeks post baby, I’m running out of excuses to eat burgers and ice cream for every meal, so I am slowly phasing in things that are green. My mom stayed with us for a bit right after the baby was born, and she made kale salad every night because she knows I love it, and making your own salad sometimes is the worst. By the time you chop everything up, you don’t really want the salad anymore, and would rather just eat pizza. Really, I would just rather eat pizza all day, morning-noon-and night, which is totally do-able thanks to the genius creator of Bagel Bites. Also, just FYI—you know how people have those lists of the 5 Celebrities that are hall-passes and their spouse can’t get mad? Stanley Garczynski (genius behind BBites) is most certainly on my list, alongside Jamie Foxx and Bill Nye the Science Guy. Knowledge is power.  But I digress…

You can chop up the greens for this salad and keep them in a shallow container with a paper towel at the top right before the lid and take them out all week—that way you don’t have to chop all that sh*t up every night.  A good dressing really is key, and don’t use a pre-made dressing. Unless you are using Goodwell & Co Asian Vinaigrette, make your own dressing always. The only reason I use their pre-made one is that I don’t always have fresh carrots and ginger on hand, and theirs tastes better than any homemade carrot/gingery dressing I can make. With salad dressings, you always use 1 part vinegar to three parts oil, so I always start out with that basic combo and add in extras. I blend mine in my little magic bullet, but you can use a regular blender, or just shake it in a dressing bottle. If you blend them, you don’t have to chop the ingredients first. In the kale salad pictured, its chopped kale with the stems removed, chopped radicchio, shaved parmesan and Marcona almonds. I always like to have something crunchy in my salads, and since I’m trying to be less of a fatass, I am opting for almonds over croutons. If the only crunchy thing you have in your pantry is a bag of goldfish, throw those in there—remember, I don’t judge. And also, I once put Flamin’ Hot Funyuns on my salad as croutons and ended up eating only the funyuns and tossing the salad. Back to the dressings….below are two of my faves, one with pesto, and one just regular old vinaigrette.

this baby will love gluten and dairy.

Pesto-Dijon Vinaigrette—makes a few servings, so keep in fridge

• 1 tbs. apple cider vinegar
• 3 tbs. extra virgin olive oil
• 1 tbs. pesto (I usually have pesto frozen, but you can use store bought)
• 1 tbs. Dijon mustard
• 1 chopped garlic clove
• Salt and pepper

Combine all the ingredients together. It is SO easy.

Basic Red Wine Vinaigrette—this lasts for 2 weeks in the fridge, so up the amounts if you want to make a bunch.

• 1 tbs. red wine vinegar
• 3 tbs. extra virgin olive oil
• 1 tbs. Dijon mustard
• 1 tsp. maple syrup
• 1 garlic clove
• Salt and pepper

Also, since males seem to hate kale salad, you can’t really serve them just that and think they will still love you. Which is where Naan pizzas come in. Naan is just a fancy term for flatbread, and it is something good to keep in your fridge or freezer. We always seem to have an open jar of some sort of tomato sauce in there too, so I whipped up some naan pizzas last night. Just put tomato sauce on the naan, fresh mozzarella (or whatever cheese peasants keep in their fridge if you don’t regularly keep balls of fresh mozz in there) and fresh chopped basil. Bake in the oven at 400 until the cheese is bubbly (about 10 minutes). If you live somewhere where there is a Zoe’s Kitchen, buy their “Spice of Life” seasoning and sprinkle on top…and then mail me a thing of it. Thanks.

because babies+food=life

Gluten Free Kale Salad with Roasted Butternut Squash and Polenta Croutons

bomb diggity. the croutons are good solo.

Those ten words basically define the term rich white girl. I’m definitely two of those things, and to be the third, throw a couple dollars my way, peeps. (I accept AMEX).

But seriously…. how f*cking trendy can I get? Truth: I actually like kale (said no one ever). And squash tastes as close to a potato without being a Fatty McFatpants salad topping. And gluten free croutons (that are actually just as bad for you as the real thing). Sign. Me. Up. This is an easy weeknight meal that can be served with or without meat. Also—I thought of this meal this morning and thought I was a genius for creating a delish meatless Monday meal. Turns out, it’s Tuesday. I’ve got to stop drinking.

Anyways, this salad it the ( . Y . )s. Make it before it gets way too hot to eat roasted squash. It’s freezing in Midland today (61 degrees), so roasted veggies didn’t seem so asinine.

Ingredients for salad

• 2 bunches of lacinato kale, stalks removed, chiffonaded (pretty sure that’s not a word)
• ½ butternut squash, cubed
• ½  tube of polenta (you’ve seen it before in the pasta aisle), cubed
• 1 tbs. olive oil, mixed with juice of half a lemon
• 10 leaves Fresh basil, chiffonaded
• 1 tbs. safflower oil

Ingredients for the dressing

• 2 tbs. olive oil
• 2 tbs. water
• 1 tbs. miso paste
• 1 tbs. Dijon mustard
• 1 tsp. agave (sup trendy)
• Fresh black pepper to taste
• 2 cloves garlic

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Toss butternut squash with a small amount of olive oil and salt and pepper, and roast for 30-40 minutes until tender and a little golden—making sure to stir during cooking. While the squash roasts, heat a nonstick skillet with tbs. safflower oil (has a high smoke point, use olive if you don’t have it!) Once the oil starts to shimmer, add in the cubed polenta and sauté until crispy (you will have to judge this by sight—all pans/temps cook differently!) Mine were about 4 minutes per side. Also, burned the shit out of my arms/face (or maybe covering up for the fact that I have acne and a rash?…) so use a splatter screen. For the dressing, blend everything together. For a thicker dressing, use less water.

This salad basically rules. If you legitimately will not eat kale (plebeians), use spinach or another dark green. Enjoy!

P.S. Spellcheck had a hayday with figuring out what I meant by ( . Y . )s. YES.