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If you don’t own stretchy pants/shorts, don’t read my blog. There are some meals I make to detox, and some to retox. This was the latter. Noodles made sweet sweet love to chicken, cheese and shrooms in my kitchen, and it was quite the show. Mack even watched. One of the lasagna rolls was supposed to have Italian ground beef, but one kitchen cutie forgot to take her addy before HEB and left 2 bags of groceries in the checkout line. I lied to Crawford (I forgot to mention yesterday that along with being a sociopath, I also love to lie), and told him it was meat and mushroom, so he just assumed it was beef. Nah, chop chicken up fine enough and add Italian seasoning and crushed red pepper and most people can’t tell. Anyways, it was all legit, and it is the type of meal that you want to lay in bed after, in a XXL t-shirt (and XL shorts let’s get real) and have someone rub your belly and tell you everything will be all right. In my case, I just took a melatonin and quietly sobbed in bed wishing I had eaten less.
Here’s how to try and imitate me:
· Rotisserie chicken from the grocery or any leftover chicken you have in your fridge that still smells close to normal. Obviously organic is better, but clearly not everyone wants to dish out that cash (cheapass).
· Low moisture, part skim shredded mozzarella
· Fresh shaved parmesan
· Fresh basil
· Whole mushrooms
· Fat Free Milk
· Fat free ricotta
· Chopped garlic and onions
· Lasagna noodles- not the type that is no boil
· Fresh made spaghetti sauce (if you don’t have any leftover from the last time you made it, use Rao’s fresh basil sauce)
· 1 block of nonfat cream cheese
Cook as many lasagna noodles as you want lasagna rolls. Drain and put on a baking sheet that you’ve sprayed with pam so they don’t stick. In a heavy bottomed pan (I use a le Creuset braising pan), sweat out onions in about a tbs of olive oil. Add minced garlic after about a minute. Add shrooms and cook until done. I recommend chopping them small so that they are the same size as the diced chicken. Add cooked chicken at the end and combine. Mix with about a cup of ricotta (to a cup and a half of the chicken/shroom mixture). On the rolls that you want the chicken and shroom, just put it on the noodles all the way down, and roll up. It’s not rocket science. In another bowl, mix together 1 cup chicken, ½ cup mozzarella and a quarter cup of the shaved parm. Add in fresh basil to taste, and any sort of onion powder or garlic powder. Taste it all—it’s cooked, so don’t be an idiot, if it tastes bland, add seasonings. Do the same with the white cheese and chicken—spread it on the noods, roll it up. For the white sauce, whip the cream cheese til soft, and then add a cup of milk. I added in a dollop of ricotta and made it into a thin milkshake consistency. Pour it over the noods without the shrooms, and then pour the marinara over the ones with mushrooms. Cook at 375 for about 30, or until bubbly and tasty. I served with sautéed broccoli and green beans and a side salad.
Mack and I look surprisingly similar after big meals.
Also-if you’re one of those people who really need measurements, you can look here for more precise info, although the recipe is different, you’ll get the gist. http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/cheesy-lasagna-rolls-spinach-and-ricotta
I used to have Dining In Dallas/Dine-o-Bite, but since I live in a city where the one of the nicest restaurants has curbside service and specializes in “Triple Dippers,” I now have to write about my kitchen conquests. I kind of work, but both jobs are work from home, and my dog and I only have so much to talk about.
Here are some important things you need to know about me my kitchen:
1) I only use good sh*t. Ingredients, cookware, wine. Sh*tty sh*t leads to sh*tty food. I’m trying not to have my husband leave me for a better cook, ergo, I use nice things. Good wine is a necessity solely because drinking is fun, and drinking wine makes you look like a grown up. (I have a fondness for really nice cabs and really shitty screw top sav b. Sue me).
2) I don’t have stacks of cash. I got everything given to me, and if my husband leaves any money out, I will steal it. In fact, if you leave cash in an open space, it’s fair game. (and if you leave your wallet on my counter, that counts as an open space).
3) If you don’t have nice stuff here’s my advice: Get Married. Register for ridiculous things. Your
cheap young friends will get you a spoon, your parents rich friends will buy you a Vitamix. What’s that? Your parents don’t have rich friends? Get new parents. Kitchenaid > Mom & Dad
4) I live in Midland. I can’t make fresh fish often, and I refuse to eat tilapia. It is gross and for people who have no taste buds or like to eat animals that eat other animals excrement. Tilapia eat larva, fish poop, and sometimes grass. Barf . To read more on your favorite fish, see here: Tilapia are gross
5) I think mayo is disgusting, and I judge those who eat it.
6) I am VERY judgmental.
7) I will eat aioli though.
8) I actually am a good cook. So good in fact, that it only took my husband 5 months to propose.
9) Did I say months? I meant 5 years.
10) I cook most weeknights—all we have in the Tall Shitty is Mexican food and Subway. My sister swears she found a black & curly in one of her subs, so she won’t eat it anymore. It’s also one of the restaurants that lady doctors say not to eat while you are pregnant, which probably says a lot about what chemicals are in it. I’ve also just decided never to eat subway again.
11) I’m not PC. I will probably offend you, but I make badass food that you’ll probably want to try to make.
12) I don’t really follow recipes. I work from home and watch food network all day. I’m also chubby and just know what tastes good together.
13) I might be a sociopath, and it is my opinion that small dogs are actually cats. I hate cats.
14) My favorite foods are Flamin hot funyuns, shock tarts, heirloom tomatoes, Adderall, seared tuna, eggs, brie cheese (well pretty much any cheese besides bleu cheese), sauvignon blanc, raw oysters, kids chicken fingers from any country club and roasted broccoli.
Below are just some of the things I’ve been cooking up.
Pan Seared Halibut with a wild mushroom, asparagus and pancetta risotto, topped with white wine and parsley steamed muscles. Arugula oil
Chinese spiced grilled chicken atop a butter lettuce salad with fresh ginger dressing, steamed baby bok choy, with quinoa fried rice, sriracha drizzle.
Egg baked in an avocado, spaghetti squash stack, roasted broccoli.
Fresh made cheese pizza, roasted tomato carbo-nada pasta.
Seared pork tenderloin over an eggplant succotash, steamed broccoli, heirloom and spinach stack with goat cheese and a balsamic reduction.