steak skillz

Final product-2 pan seared ribeyes, tempura-ish baked green beans, fauxtatoes with flash fried basil

Guys do the grilling, I get it. Me have balls, me make meat. However, I have a different opinion. I cook a better steak than most men. In my past life, it’s possible that I was a short haired butcher who liked the ladiezzzzz. Imagine a mix between Rosie O’Donnell and Rosie from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.


sorry for partying Rosie style circa 4th grade…
But seriously, I make the best steak, no grill required. Steak should be cooked medium rare always. Unless you’d like it less cooked, and that is perfectly acceptable. I don’t mind if my steak is still mooing, and I’d be lying if I hadn’t imagined what it would be like to take a bite out of a freshly deceased cow. Too much? Nah-I’ve also considered cooking my chicken under temperature just to get food poisoning to shed a few lbs. Like I’ve said, I’m batshit crazy. Just ask Crawford. If you are going to eat steak, which shouldn’t be too often, go for a steaksteak. I’d rather have a few bites of a well-marbled steak than an entire filet. I usually get ribeyes, and trim them a bit more than the butcher does. I can butcher a steak—must be a talent I learned in that past life. Trim most of the excess fat, but leave a little on the edges—when you sear it (if you do it right), the fat will melt into the pan and keep the steak delish.  Now, I am all for a steakhouse meal where you get the mushrooms in butter, truffle mac and creamed spinach—but I don’t want to have to request an extra seat on my next flight for my side fupa. If you’re making a fatty steak, go as carbless as you can stand, and add some greens—maybe something along the lines of our meal last night: Pan seared ribeyes with cauliflower mash, panko baked green beans, and flash fried basil leaves.  Side note: the steak and cauliflower mash were delightful. The cauliflower mash is better than most because I partially steam then roast my cauliflower. The only problem is that I have to make this wayyyyyy before my husband gets home because he hates the smell of cauliflower and broccoli. In my opinion, roasting cauli and broccoli makes your house smell like a stripper farted in your oven then baked her toot. I’m not apologizing for saying that—you’ve all thought it when you’ve walked in to a house where broccoli has been roasted. If you haven’t experienced that, then next time you’re at the Spearmint Rhino, kindly ask one of the dancers to pass wind your way, and you’ll know what I mean. And yes, I did just go to to look up synonyms for fart, as to not offend my audience. The green beans tasted like crunchy dead lady’s fingers. I forgot to drizzle them with olive oil, and they sucked.
heating oil for steaks-heavy bottomed pan

Searing steaks-side one (2 minutes
·         2 (or however many people you have) prime boneless ribeye steaks. In general, the more expensive the better. I just get whatever is freshest or nicest at the meat counter. Don’t get ones that are already packaged
·         Tbs of butter
·         Seasonings for steak: I mix a coffee rub with Cavender’s Greek Seasoning
·         Olive oil
·         French green beans, trimmed (enough for two)
·         Panko bread crumbs
·         Grated parmesan
·         Egg wash (whisk 2 eggs w/ 2 tbs of water)
·         Head of cauliflower
·         2 small red or white potatoes
·         Nonfat milk
·         Plain nonfat Greek yogurt
·         Basil
Go ahead and preheat 2 ovens—1 at 425, 1 at 400. If you only have one, do 425.
For the steak: 1 hour before you want to cook it, take it out of the fridge, and season both sides liberally and rub the seasoning in. Let it sit til you want to cook.  Take a heavy bottomed pan (cast iron preferably, but stainless is fine—just make sure it is oven safe and doesn’t have a coated handle). Heat a tbs of olive oil over medium high heat til the pan starts to smoke. (Don’t let it catch fire, but watch to see if you can see steam). Put both steaks in pan, don’t touch for 2 minutes. After 2 minutes, flip and sear for 2 more minutes. Put into the 400 degree oven for 4-5 minutes. Take the pan out of the oven, and put the steaks on a cutting board to rest for at least 10 minutes. I like to take the pan drippings and pour it on the steak and loosely cover with foil. Once you’re ready to serve, slice however you’d like. here’s how to make it look pretty….
For the green beans: Take 4-5 beans at a time and dip into the egg wash and then into the panko-parm mixture (half panko half parm), and place them on a nonstick baking sheet. Once they are all ready to go, drizzle with olive oil and salt them. Don’t forget this, or they will suck. Bake at 425 for 10ish and then serve with a wedge of lemon or sauce of choice.
For the fauxtatoes: I partially steamed a head of cauliflower then roasted it in a 400 oven for about 15 minutes. I think all veggies taste better roasted. I boiled the 2 potatoes and the pureed that with butter, probably a half cup of nonfat Greek yogurt and a splash of chicken stock and seasoned to taste. Combine together in a food processor or hand mash, but don’t overwork them or they will get gummy. To make it even better, put the mixture in ramekins and sprinkle with shaved parmesan and put in the oven til the cheese gets a little browned.


For the basil-it not only looks cool, but it tastes awesome to. Everyone I know (minus Crawford) likes it. See video.
PS- This dinner was prepared while I was wearing a Mayweather v. Canelo Vegas fight night shirt…as if I didn’t feel butch enough making steaks.

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